Nobody wins in a power struggle. They are the most unfruitful things we can do with our children, yet often as parents we find ourselves having a power struggle.
Recently I had a battle with 13 year old son. It was Friday and we had just arrived home from an evening out. Kieren's friends wanted him to come outside and play in the dark in the park. it was 8.30pm when they called at our house. I just knew I was going to be in for a tough time. Kieren said to me,
All the same he thought he would try his luck so he said to me, "Mum, please can I go outside with my friends to the park?" I said "no", and Kieren asked me again. I repeated my answer quite firmly by saying, "no you will not go outside again tonight". We had just arrived home from Youth Group so I was hardly depriving my kids of entertainment.
I heard Kieren becoming increasingly more annoyed and verbal in an attempt to get me to change my mind, or at least let me know his displeasure. I even heard him slam the bedroom door twice, something he had never done before. He was not happy.
I believe I won the victory because I did not try to force him to be happy about my decision. He was very angry at me but after a few minutes he calmed down. You cannot always get a teenager to say sorry straight away. That night, Kieren needed time to cool off. He went to bed angry with me. But in the morning he came to me with an apology.
We must realize where these negative behaviors come from. Kids often try to exert power and control over someone else, especially parents. When these kinds of behaviors occur (for example eating slowly or dawdling) parents need to offer choices rather than giving direct demands. This is important. It will ease the pain of the conflict and probably prevent many a power struggle.
It is quite normal to test our authorities. Most of us will do it sometime in our lives. When our kids do it they want to know that we will be strong for them and not waver in our boundaries. When this happens our kids feel more secure.
I have come to realize that as a mother of teenagers it is not always your job to be liked. Often children will hate you for the boundaries you give them, in the short term. But the very next morning Kieren came back to me with an apology.
I accepted his apology, nevertheless the consequence stayed the same. You know, do the crime, pay the time. When Kieren woke the next morning his bedroom door was off its hinges. That was for the door slamming episode that should never have happened in our house. And that action itself was avoiding a power struggle. There have been no more door slamming episodes in our house and Kieren has learned a valuable lesson.
Article Source: http://www.alltopinfo.com
Kim is a single mom with four children, living in Queensland, Australia. She is a best selling author as well as a child behavior management expert and her free report on "Mistakes That Parents Make" can be downloaded from: www.mychildcanbehave.com
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